The Long View

First of all, if you’ve read the book I referenced and think that it’s full of crap, I can only speak for the first 5-6 chapters, the ones relevant to my own and my kids’ lives. I didn’t read past that because we don’t play video games and will never allow them in our house, my kids are not in public school yet, and my kids don’t watch TV. At the moment I’m much more concerned with the prevalence of tablets and smartphones, and with the tendency for parents to give them to younger and younger children, than I am with television or video games. They’re just not parts of our lives yet.

I know there’s been a significant backlash to this book, and to every one like it ever published. “They said TV would rot your brain 60 years ago, and we’re fine.” “Millennials have grown up on the Internet, and we’re fine.” “Calling smartphones ‘heroin’ is just an attempt to scare parents.”

Are you fine, though? Think back to 2008 or 2009. You almost definitely didn’t have a smartphone. If we’re peers, you were probably in college. Now think about how long you typically spent reading at that time. How long could you sit and write? How long could you concentrate on a lab experiment, a classroom discussion, a conversation with a friend, or a sunset? What did you “do” when you were walking to class, waiting in line, or cooking dinner? And what did you “do” when you were stopped at a red light, laying in bed at night, or (for real) sitting on the toilet? 

You didn’t reach for a phone. My point is that, if you’re like me, the internet has wriggled its tentacles into all of those little empty spaces, displacing time we used to spend listening to music, reading a book, chatting, or just staring into space daydreaming, planning, fantasizing, and thinking. Given an empty few minutes, I find myself scrolling Facebook, skimming the news, jumping through online articles, or virtually window-shopping for crap I don’t need. My mental stamina has plunged to almost nil. I find myself feeling “bored” more than I used to, and instead of using my brain to deal with that boredom, I use a screen. Instead of taking up that space with my own thoughts, I use content generated by other people (and companies). The way that my brain works has changed. 

Are these changes inherently bad? Maybe not for you personally. But they make me very, very uncomfortable. I feel dissatisfied with myself. The first time you realize that you just started looking at Instagram while sitting outside watching your kids play is a sobering moment. Do I need to be staring at my children all of the time? No, of course not! But I could be setting a better example by opening a book, or enjoying genuine mental relaxation by just letting my mind wander. The constant flow of novel content is not actually relaxing, and you know that perfectly well from how you feel after laying in bed with your phone before trying to sleep. 

So are books like this one an attempt to scare you? Yes, because many of us need to be scared. Think about how much your brain changed just since having access to the internet. Now think about how much more it has changed since the internet came to live in your pocket. Now think about kids who are handed devices when they’re 12, 8, 5, even in toddlerhood and infancy. Their brains don’t get the chance to develop normally in the first place. Think about how much they’ll struggle to concentrate on anything–and that’s leaving aside how they will (because they definitely will) struggle with age-inappropriate content and social media. 

I am not the most uptight parent, but screen time is where I’ve drawn an absolutely immovable line that won’t budge until my children are adults. My kids do not get “iPad time.” They aren’t allowed to touch our phones. They won’t get smartphones while they live in our home. They’ve never seen a movie. They don’t know what “Paw Patrol” or “PJ Masks” are. And I’m glad. In ten or fifteen years (in fact, probably in one or two years), it won’t matter whether they’ve seen “Frozen” or know who Big Bird is. It will matter what they were doing instead.

“Our job as parents is to have the long view, because children don’t.”

This is where other parents always get mad at me. I had written several paragraphs about why and how you should make and keep your kids screen-free, but I deleted them, because I don’t think I personally can change anyone’s mind about this. Suffice it to say that if you feel harshly judged and cruelly targeted by someone saying kids shouldn’t spend time on screens, then you definitely need to read more on this topic.

Many, many reviews of this and other books repeatedly use the phrase “fear-mongering.” Even if that were true, and the consequences of screen use and overuse aren’t actually very dire… what about that gets people so riled up? Is there something bad or harmful about not using screens? The answer to that question is an emphatic no, so I don’t understand why efforts to curb screen usage, especially in children, make some people so frothily angry. Scratch that, I do know why. There are three big reasons:

  1. Money. If you do work that profits from people overusing screens, then of course you don’t want to reverse that trend.
  2. Selfishness. You like to diddle your phone and you don’t want anyone batting it out of your hand. Or, you like having your kid(s) “occupied” on screens and don’t want anyone making you do more hands-on parenting.
  3. Guilt. You know it’s a problem and the natural human response to being told we are wrong is to get mad.

So go ahead and call it fear-mongering if that comforts you, but you’re only harming yourself and your family by pretending that screen-time is healthy.

I’m trying HARD to change how I use the internet and in particular my phone. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about switching away from a smartphone, but I am too worried about running into major hurdles because of how app-centric our lives have become. I need an app to sign my kids in to school. I need an app to pick up my groceries. I even need an app to turn off my debit card if it gets stolen! At this late date, I don’t think going “dumbphone” is practicable. But I am determined to use my phone as little as possible. I’ve removed all ways to listen and read on it. I’ve removed all apps that steal my time. I’ve turned off all notifications and set a long daily Do Not Disturb time with a text auto-reply.

I wish that I could completely opt out, but it feels impossible, so willpower is the only tool we’ve got.

Here are things I’ve been reading and listening to:

Glow Kids by Nicholas Kardaras

Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now by Jaron Lanier

Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport

Deep Work by Cal Newport

The Shallows by Nicholas Carr

Irresistible by Adam Alter

The Ezra Klein Show: this episode & this episode

Jaron Lanier speaking here

And countless other interviews with and articles about authors, thinkers, and “eccentrics” who shun overuse of the internet. I accessed everything above for free.

Dinner Diaries: February 11, 2021

A successful challah.

Last weekend I made another challah, this time using the New York Times recipe and a mix of half all-purpose and half bread flour. It was so good! Perfect texture and flavor. The only issue was that I did a four-strand braid and the sections were too thick, so I’ll try the traditional six-strand braid next time.

It has been very cold here this week–unusually cold–and on Monday the temperature is going to dip to about 0. The high that day will only be 12! And it’s likely to snow. I’ve brought in all of our potted plants, and we’ve been dripping the faucets at night. The bird bath is frozen solid.

Although I like cold weather, but this is really frigid and wet and gray, and it’s making the week drag by very slowly. We had this weather in Utah for sure, but the snow made it look and feel much nicer. I picked up fire logs and Negroni ingredients for the weekend, but it feels like Friday evening is still days away.

Our dinner adventures are still going well. Tonight is broccoli, potato, and cheddar cheese soup with toast. Earlier in the week we had yakisoba noodles with greens and chicken, breakfast tacos, and black beans and rice with plantains. Tomorrow night we’re getting takeout, some sort of seafood–I really want po’ boys or fried shrimp platters or something like that.

I think that the COVID-19 monotony is getting to me again. I’ve gone through phases of feeling totally fine, and feeling bored out of my mind, and feeling desperate for this mess to “be over,” and feeling perfectly cozy with my family at home. In the peaks and troughs, this week is definitely a trough.

Dinner Diaries: January 28, 2020

This week has been different because we changed our evening routine: we’ve started eating dinner as a family. This was something we had planned to start when our kids’ bedtimes got a bit later, but after a pediatrician appointment where we realized that most kids go to bed pretty early through much of elementary school, we figured we should start now.

Salmon fishcakes with cucumber salad, peas, and remoulade.

The challenge is getting dinner prepared by 6pm(ish) so that the boys can still be in bed by 7:30pm after baths, reading, and other evening activities.

Other than that, it’s been great. I’m less grumpy in the evenings because I’m not hungry for hours before an 8pm dinner, and I’m not rushing through bedtime so that I can start cooking. The kids eat surprisingly well, and they’re trying pretty much anything we put on their plate. It’s much better for them not to have “kid food” so frequently, and it means we have to buy less stuff from the store. My husband and I also have a lot more time available in the evenings, because by the time the kids are in bed around 7:15pm or 7:30pm, we’re done. All we need to do is clean the kitchen a bit, and then we have the entire evening free. I’ve been doing a lot more reading, and my husband has practiced music a bit.

Thanks to some drama in my extended family, this week has been a bit of a drag. I’m looking forward to enjoying some Indian takeout and fresh beers on Friday night, and watching the boys play in the backyard all weekend.

Dinner Diaries: January 20, 2021

My first challah.

My husband cooked last week and again this week. We’ve had green shakshuka, zaatar chicken pitas, Singapore noodles, sweet potato tacos, and many more vegetarian meals. Tonight it’s vegetable paella, complete with bomba rice from Spain.

Over the weekend I attempted this challah. It looked, smelled, and tasted amazing, but the texture was incredibly dense. A friend told me that using at least 50% bread flour instead of 100% all-purpose can help the bread get a better rise, so that’s going to be part of my next attempt. Despite the texture, we finished the entire loaf in two days. Once toasted it was delicious.

My oldest child turned four last Sunday and requested takeout hamburgers for his dinner. We ordered from Rodeo Goat and I had one of the best burgers of my life: their turkey patty with tomato, onion, hydroponic sprouts, cranberry Boursin, and grilled jalapeños. Easily the best non-beef burger I’ve ever tasted.

One of my favorite parts of being the kitchen cleaner rather than the cook for a week or two is that I get to sit on the couch watching TV while my husband makes dinner, from around 7pm to 8pm. It gives me a chance to catch up on Coronation Street, the only current show I watch. I never thought I would be a “soap” person, but I only had to watch one episode to become totally hooked on this insane drama. It’s even more insane than you think if you delve into CorriePedia and figure out what happened to all of the characters before you “met” them.

Dinner Diaries: January 6, 2021

A renewed effort to get writing again. It seems like a good idea to tie it together with the one thing I always feel like writing about: food.

As it always does, January brings with it an inevitable effort to exercise more, eat better, and drink less. This year’s iteration on the theme includes preparing only vegetarian meals every other week, drinking alcohol only on weekends, and continued use of the exercise bike. I don’t have trouble with exercise, but resisting overindulgence in food and drink is much more difficult.

I’m sorry to say that I’ve downloaded the Peloton app–free for two months–and I’ve really been enjoying it. The RPMs are much more realistic for me than they are in videos from GCN, and the music is great. So yeah, I’m BASIC.

Alex and I trade sets of weeks as far as dinner-making: I do two weeks (one vegetarian and one not), and then he does two weeks. Last week my best menu item was this salad:

  • roasted cauliflower
  • sliced endives
  • kidney beans
  • sliced red onion
  • toasted walnuts
  • artichoke hearts
  • feta cheese
  • vinaigrette
  • parsley

A great combination served warm, inspired by this similar salad from Smitten Kitchen. This was the first time I included endive in any version I’ve made, and I’ll definitely buy them every time from now on. At Central Market they’re sold by weight, so two pretty large ones were barely $1, and they have a unique texture that adds a lot to this salad.

Last night was traditional shrimp & grits, and tonight I’ll be making this Ottolenghi salad, but with dates and feta cheese instead of figs and goat’s cheese. I’m crossing my fingers that the sweet potatoes I bought are decent, because if you get mealy ones, the salad is ruined.

Despite the bike and Peloton app, I’ve actually been doing a lot more walking lately than I was, say, two months ago. I figure I should make my exercise seasonal, the way some people can their eating, and do it outdoors as much as possible before the Texas summer heat is back.